Quite often I wonder something, something which may seem like a cry for attention but I ensure you it is not.
Having seen the final episode of Being Human tonight and having watched every series previous, its left me wondering if, as in the program, whether anyone has ever seen the type of person I can be. Its not a side of me that I’ve ever shown or let on that it exists, but I do wonder whether any single person has ever realised what I can be like.
Its a rarity that this side of me comes out of its shell, I usually control myself pretty well. I just can’t help but think “what would people think of me if they saw this side to me?” Don’t worry, its not some bizarre, terrifying, sadomasochistic sex freak, or a mass murderer. It is just something inside of me which feels like an overwhelming force, something that can change me. It sounds ridiculous and like I’m over exaggerating but this is the only way I can describe what it feels like. Maybe its something that’s inside all of us, maybe its a power or force that human nature forces to the back of our brains, that only certain events bring back. I don’t feel like its got control of me now but I can feel it deep down inside, urging itself forward for no particular reason. Maybe its the natural evil and terror and violence that all human beings have inside them, whether they know it or not. Its something indescribable. When it takes over I start to feel unstoppable, I don’t know what with but for some reason I do. I know its a very strange thing to say but that’s what it feels like, like there’s another force or being inside of me which is just a powerful force of anger.
Its not even an anger, I can tell. I don’t feel angry when it happens, I just feel different. I wish I could explain this in a less weird way, a number of you probably think I’ve gone insane or am just seeking attention, neither is the case. I just feel I have to write this down, maybe I’ll understand it better this way. I don’t care what you think of me after this, its not a side of me any of you will ever experience anyway, no one has ever seen it.
Sorry for the weirdness.