Confusion In My Mind

Maybe I was wrong on Wednesday, maybe it is just my depressed mindset, maybe it was just the timing of everything. Maybe, just maybe, I’m not a terrible leader.

Coming off the back of a 15-0 loss at 5aside for Fake Madrid, I was understandably down. I believed my leadership ‘qualities’ to be false and my strange obsession with putting myself into the mould of a leader to be completely delusional. Maybe it was just the stress of the moment. Could be the pride of Barearselona’s performance on Thursday (incredibly honourable 5-3 defeat, took the lead 3 times) and my hat trick that has made me think that I might be a good leader. All that negativity of Wednesday has completely disappeared, I don’t feel it anymore, I’m probably too quick to act and to judge. I suppose it probably all stems from how the week’s 5aside goes, when it goes well, I feel like a good leader. When it doesn’t, I feel like I’m total balls. Understandable I suppose.

I wish there was some way I could find out which answer was the right one, am I a good leader or am I not? It sounds stupid and over dramatic but its something which has always meant a lot to me, I get a lot of satisfaction in successfully leading a group of people and gaining their respect, not in a big headed “I want to be in charge way”, if there’s someone who’ll do a better job at something then I’ll do my best to help but ultimately let them do what is best, just that I really love the feeling of other people performing well due to something I’ve done (either due to encouragement from myself or leading by example – pretty rare – or to a certain tactic I’ve come up with/helped implement in some way). I love making a difference I suppose. Its not that I do it for praise either, I feel really uncomfortable when I get praise, its nice but it makes me feel weird and big headed. I’m very happy for any contribution I make to something to go relatively unnoticed, or at least not commented upon. I may be looking into this way too deeply, but you know what? I don’t care.

Anyway, I shouldn’t be up at this time (its currently 05:32 in the morning as I write this, might save it as a draft and publish it later) but its just too boring to sleep when there’s so much brilliant music to be listened to (currently on a David Guetta hype, always reminds me of summer for some reason). I posted a blog about a year ago about how brilliant he is – was short, sweet and a little bit gay, by which I mean the blog and not David Guetta himself.

I should probably stop talking/writing right now.



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